A Few Thoughts on “After Earth”

1) Jaden Smith

I’ve seen two Jaden Smith movies.

In the first, The Persuit of Happyness, he plays the role of “adorable 6-year-old who emotionally manipulates the audience.” Because he was an adorable 6-year-old at the time, he really nailed it.

I have also seen After Earth, in which J. Smith is asked to portray a character with simmering anger, constant beneith-the-surface fear, a love / hate relationship with a distant father figure and a capable, willing solider all at the same time. It’s a hard role for anyone, let along a dude who probably only started liking girls in the last three years.

With that in mind, perhaps I should give Jaden Smith more slack for his terrible performance in After Earth, which is the worst part what is a pretty silly movie to begin with.

On the other hand, he is remarkably bad; from the film’s opening narration, it is obvious that the viewer is not in good hands. As I said before, the role is tough one and, because of the mechanisms of the script, Smith has to act alone for most of the movie, without someone else to play off of. The film asks a kid who has made three movies (none as a semi-adult) to carry its entire plot. Of course he folds like a cheap suit. It’s a performance worth some sympathy, at least until his screaming fit at the film’s midpoint when it becomes obvious that this dude can’t act a lick.

His family is rich, he’ll be fine.

2) After Earth, Ted and How I Hate Everyone

I saw the movie Ted in theaters about two years ago. On opening weekend. In a completely packed theatre.

Shut up, I know.

I decided I hated everyone in the theater when, at a part of the movie when it looks like Ted, the pretend stuffed bear that tells dick jokes, is going to die. Everyone in the theater with me gasped and cooed as if they were sad that Seth McFarlaine’s avatar was going to stop making dick jokes.

I felt a similar hate for the After Earth crowd when a giant bird dies. The giant bird isn’t someone’e pet or anything. It’s in the movie for maybe three minutes  Fuck you, audiences of America. Fuck you and your emotions. Have some more guile.

 3) People are Dicks for the Wrong Reasons

 I’ve read reviews of this movie that pick on some pretty small things, like Will Smith’s charters name, “Cypher Raige” (which is stupid), Smith’s bizarre accent (which is needless) and the loopy, weirdly complex early movie exposition (humans wreck earth, move to a new planet, the residents of the new planet don’t want the humans, the aliens use a second race of aliens to hunt the humans because they are lazy assholes, the second human-hunting aliens can smell fear, Will Smith fears nothing and uses his knife-stick to kill all the second human-hunting aliens).

All that shit is dumb and worth making fun of, but they are all such small parts of a flawed film that it seems like needless bullying to mention them.

What people should really be making fun of is how Will Smith decided that playing a man with no emotions would be a good idea for what is essentially a film about fathers and sons. I don’t mean “no emotions” the way Clint Eastwood plays guys with no emotions, where oceans of pain and hurt lay just below the surface and the laconic is used as a guard against a groundswell of shallowly-buried agony. I mean “yeah, this guy feels nothing and it’s going to be great.”

That said, I thought it was pretty weird that everything in the future is made of canvas, bones and snake skins.

 4) I Think Signs is a Pretty Good Movie

M. Night Shyamalan is a pretty good director some of the time.

Shut up, I know.

He’s very good at building tension making normal things seem creepy. He’s good with landscapes and making the environment seem threatening or welcoming depending on the needs of the film. He can’t really write a lick, but he’s not the complete failure that America seems to have decided he is.

Speaking of landscapes, there are a few parts of this movie that legitimately impressed me. Scenes in which Jaden Smith’s character has to face off against a hostile nature planet are uniformly well-shot and compelling, and Smith is fine when he doesn’t have to talk or emote or do anything other than stand there and react to the cool shit Shyamalan is shooting.

5) Important Questions

1.  Why didn’t Will Smith make an After Earth rap song?
2.  Men in Black III was way better than it had any right to be, considering how bad Men in Black II was.
3. After Earth is kind of a disaster, but it isn’t without its charms. It’s bad, but it no where near as bad as you’ve heard.

Final Rating: One Nate Down

The Year is Half Over and This List is All I Have to Show For It

Mid-year lists are mostly bullshit, and mine is no different.

Albums and songs that sounded great in January don’t always sound great in June, or even March. To-be-released albums always carry more weight than albums already out, because expectation is always going to be a more powerful emotion than familiarity. Everything on this list is suspect and, as such, might completely be removed from my mind come year-end list time.

When I put things like this together, I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment, the way I imagine other music fans do. I don’t get a curation jolt the way I used to when I put these out; I know no one is coming to me for a taylor-made list of what is “good” and what is “bad.” Mostly, when I make these lists, I wonder “Is this all there is? Did I miss something? How are these my favorite albums of the last six months?” And yet, here we are.

There are some good bands here. I’ve added individual songs to accompany each album on this list, in case someone out there wanted to find a way in to something new. Despite that last paragraph, I guess I’m an optimist.

I Will Never Change

Someday, if the Lord is willing and the creek don’t rise, I am going to have a family.

I would like to think that I would be a good husband. I would try to support my wife, whatever that ends up meaning for our relationship. I think I would be patient. I think I would be kind and soft most of the time, forceful if and when she needed it. I like to think she would do the same for me.

I would try to be a good father to my children. I would try to raise them to be compassionate, thoughtful, ambitious children. I would want them to experience as much as possible and to consider everything. I would try to keep their eyes open and I would do my best to make them understand than an honest life is important.

I would not want to hide anything from my family, my family that would come to mean more to me than my own life.

I would not want to hide anything from them … but, at the same time, they could never know how much I love the song “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame, and, because I do not intend to stop loving this song, I will have love it secretly in my 45-year-old, father-of-two heart.

I can’t stop. I won’t stop. Not even for them.

Jump.

Nothing is static. Existence is fluid. Change is nature. Change is life. Nothing can or should last forever.

All that said; “Jump” by Van Halen is the greatest song of all time, ever.

Quick tangent: I sometimes wonder what my generation’s musical legacy will be. Are my kids going to discover Maroon 5 in 40 years? Are they going to hear “She Will Be Loved” and think they’ve found some lost, Police 2.0 treasure from aughts? Am I going to give my kid the same sideways look my father gave me when I asked him why he never told me about Supertramp? Am I going to do what my dad did; look back at my offspring and say “because they sucked?”

I bring this up because I recognize that “Jump” probably wasn’t regarded as a great song when it came out. I doubt anyone who came up opposed to glam metal has anything positive to say about “Jump.”

All that said, I don’t give a shit.

I am divorced from this song’s initial context, so I can just enjoy the crazy synth line that is somehow “huge” and “not huge enough” at the same time. This is candy, and I fucking love candy. “Jump” is great.

Regardless of how you feel about “Jump,” I assumed that everyone knew about it. It’s one of those songs that a person can’t avoid if they listened to the radio / were in a car / had an uncle / went to college between 1988 and 2011, at least in my personal experience.

Imagine my shock when I logged on to Spotify today and found that my “Jump”  WASN’T EVEN THE THRID-MOST POPULAR “JUMP” OUT THERE.

Below are the 5 most popular “Jump” songs, as ordered by Spotify. I will break down each song and decide if it deserves to be in front of my beloved “Jump” or not.

1) House of Pain – Jump Around

This song is never going to go away. It will be featured at frat parties, seventh-grade catholic school dances, and in movies about Boston from now until the end of time. Every person on the earth knows this song. If I called my mother right now, she could likely not only sing the hook, but rap a few words of one of the verses. If my grandmother were still alive, I’m willing to bet she could to the same.

Does it Deserve Its Spot? Yes, and I should be ashamed for forgetting it.

2) Zac Brown Band – Jump Right In

My impression of the Zac Brown Band is that they are uncle-rock. I’ve never heard “Jump Right In” before now, but it sounds like ZBB could open for Jimmy Buffet and not be out of place. This is a total “Tommy Bahama-button-down-shirt” kind of song. I would play this at a mixed-company family barbeque and no one would notice or care.

Does it Deserve Its Spot? I have to go yes. I don’t think it’s a better song, but its certainly less polarizing, and I get why it might be more popular on Spotify than the real “Jump.” I mean, it’s bullshit, but I buy it.

3) Kris Kross – Jump

I need to apologize. I have not listened to Kris Kross since I was about nine and, since I liked them when I was nine, I assumed they were bullshit. I was TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG. “JUMP” IS A LEGITIMATE JAM AND I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. Jesus, it’s insane that this song is this good. I was so on point at nine. I should see if those Vanilla Ice records hold up.

Does it Deserve Its Spot? YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. I might have to switch sides.

4) AWOLNATION – Jump on My Shoulders

AWOLNATION has released one song that I really like / has been in most movie trailers since its release. That song is called “Sail,” and it is foreboding and dope.

This is a little more pop, a little more radio friendly (I’m honestly kind of surprised that “Sail” took off, since it’s a bit of a divergence from what one normally hears on commercial radio). The lyrics are stupid and it’s a bit too sugary; this is probably what LFO would sound like if they manifested themselves as a trend band in 2012. It’s not bad, but it’s whatever.

Does it Deserve Its Spot? No, I don’t think so. Sorry, AWOLNATION. “Sail” really is dope, though.

5) The Wombats – Jump Into the Fog

I really liked the Wombat’s first record, and I was bummed at their total pop turn on their second album. I mean, it’s had for a band that was as poppy as this to go even further down the rabbit hole, but they found a way. Anyway, this song is fine but it’s boring. Mid-tempo songs are always at least 20 percent worse than slow or fast songs.

Does it Deserve Its Spot? No. Even with their pop successes, no one knows this song over the real “Jump.”

Let’s rearrange this list. The top 5 “Jump” songs, now and forever, are as follows:

5) “Jump Right In”

4) “Jump on my Shoulders”

3) “Jump Around”

2) “Jump” by Van Halem

1) “Jump” by Kris Kross

It’s like I said at the top; “Jump” by Kris Kross is the greatest song of all time.

A Moment for Rap Scandal, Or How Future Had a Bad Spring

A few weeks ago, Reebok dropped their endorsement of Rick Ross after he rhymed on this (pretty lame) song, “U.O.E.N.O”

The line in question, which is admittedly pretty date-rapey (it’s the second line that is most damning):

Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it
I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it

Not long after, Pepsi dropped its endorsement of Lil Wayne after he rhymed on this (also not very good) song, “Karate Chop (Remix).”

The line in question, which is pretty dumb:

Beat that pussy up like Emmett Till

Both rappers have apologized for their content. Neither apology was enough to keep them from maintaing their endorsements.

I’ve got a lot of opinions about this, but I’d prefer to let Talib Kweli speak for me.

You cant just say you love hip hop when its convenient  You got to love it in good times and when its ugly, too.

…Even when im critical of my brothers and sisters in this music, I do it from a place of love and not from a place of “that ain’t hip hop.”

If [these corporations] truly had a moral obligation, they shouldn’t be giving these artists money… I feel like Lil Wayne and Rick Ross should get money, [and] I was disappointed that they got dropped. I wished they would have come with stronger apologies sooner and kept their money, I don’t want to see no black man lose nothing.

These companies don’t have our best interests in mind, but its a money thing. It’s a look. You can’t say Lil Wayne and Rick Ross ain’t hip hop. These men have dedicated their lives to the music and, wether you like the music or not, they represent hip hop for millions of people.

In other words, the companies that sign these rappers because of their commercial appeal aren’t dropping them because their lyrical content is objective; they are dropping them because they don’t wan’t the PR attached to them.

Which is fine. But remember that it isn’t because they are against date rape or because they are worried about the legacy of a civil rights icon; it’s because they are pro-money, nothing more.

Talib’s full interview is here.

Dead Dogs and Disney Princesses

Editor’s note: Considering I’m planning to write about Taco Bell’s breakfast waffle taco later today, it’s probably best that you don’t take anything I have to say seriously.

Because it was a nice day Monday, and because I was outside in the correct neighborhood at the correct time, I saw a ton of dogs being walked.

I saw all manner of dog, but they all had one thing in common: the looked like purebred dogs.

Mountain dogs, bulldogs, terriers, little hairy, mop-looking dogs, tiny yappy bastards, big grey monsters that looked more like birds of prey than dogs; they were all out yesterday, and they all looked like their bloodlines have been pure for a thousand years.

I don’t begrug anyone who buys their dog from a breed. I understand wanting a specific breed of dog, either for its personality or as an accessory for one’s life.

But here’s the thing about that. I used to volunteer at the Philadelphia SPCA andI would see how many mixed-breed, mutty dogs were being kept in caged, waiting for homes. We’re talking dozens of dogs, just at one location. These dogs run the gamut from “cute and a little mangy” to “damaged almost beyond belief,” and are not pure bred. The mutts are kept as long as the SPCA has room for them. When supply outlasted demand, which it always does, some dogs have to be killed.

Which is why, when I see people with pure-bred dogs out on the street, I get conflicted.

I know it’s unreasonable to get mad about that, but I do get mad about it. Maybe your bulldog is your bulldog because you need an animal that is gentile with children and doesn’t require a ton of exercise. Maybe your bulldog is your bulldog because you watched Rob and Big when you were a kid and thought Meaty was cute.

In my head, all I see when I see purebred dogs is a shelter dog that didn’t have to die.

*****

A few days ago, the Internet found out that Disney was considering a redesign of one of its princesses, Merida from Brave.

Here’s what it would look like:

And here is what the petition on Change.org says:

The redesign of Merida in advance of her official induction to the Disney Princess collection does a tremendous disservice to the millions of children for whom Merida is an empowering role model who speaks to girls’ capacity to be change agents in the world rather than just trophies to be admired. Moreover, by making her skinnier, sexier and more mature in appearance, you are sending a message to girls that the original, realistic, teenage-appearing version of Merida is inferior; that for girls and women to have value — to be recognized as true princesses — they must conform to a narrow definition of beauty.

This petition has caught on, at least as much as any petition on Change.org can. As of writing this, the petition has over 139,000 signatures. That’s good enough to make it the most popular Woman’s Right petition of the week, and the site’s fourth-most popular Woman’s Rights petition overall.

There is value in this. I believe that it is good to give young girls role models that go beyond a single dimension  I support the idea that  girls should have self-reliable examples, examples that don’t fit into a traditional beauty mold (I also wish Disney had more non-white princesses, but whatever. Different blog post).

That said, this feels a bit like the purebred dog of online activism.

It’s not a perfect analogy, because you can always vote more than once on these kinds of things. It’s totally possible that the men and women who are petitioning a corporation to keep its drawing a certain way are also invested getting contraception to women in third-world countries (20k less signatures), furthering protection against sexual abuse (about 100k less signatures) and expanding rape protection for colleges (just under 6k signatures).

All these causes are worthy. It isn’t my place to tell anyone what to care about, just as it isn’t my place to tell anyone what dog to adopt. I know that keeping positive roll models for children is important.

I also know dogs are being killed every day in Philadelphia, while others survive because they are cute. I just hope people aren’t picking their battles the same way.

Pusha-T Scares The Shit Out of Me

Look, if you’re looking for raps about drugs and an unbroken, unrelenting sense that he might snap and hurt you, this Pusha-T video is it.

“It’s not about high fashion. It’s about black t-shirts and drugs.”

 

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The Time Has Come, The Time for Breakfast

Dick Jared, coming in hot.

This video, more than anything else, shows off some serious Brian Denahey-level acting.

Untitled Tyler, the Creator Think Piece, Three Years Too Late

Pictured above: a kid.

A friend of mine recently wrote a “five-page paper on the graphic nature of Tyler, the Creator’s lyrics.” In her words:

“The paper came out well … but I have no clue why you or anyone else would listen to that shit.”

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I listen to Tyler, the Creator because he comes off as one of the most honest artists in modern music.

Being a Human Being

From Ian Brill.