My father, Tony, is a smart, successful, accomplished man who is, slowly but surely, completely losing his mind.

Mind loss is a constant in my family. Seemingly every member of my family over the age of 50 is suffering from a metal degradation that, over time, reduces responsible, well-adjusted adults into the braying loony old folks of tomorrow.

I cannot wait for this process to happen to me.

Part of this process has been my father’s loss of contextual hearing: he can no longer hear one band and accurately compare them to another band in a way that makes sense to anyone but him. Every time my father hears a song, he will connect it to another band miles off the spectrum and anyone around will have to just play “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” if they want to follow him down the rabbit hole.

Let me show you what I mean.

1) The Hold Steady sounds like They Might Be Giants

When he said this: Summer, 2007

What the Hold Steady Sounded Like at the Time: Bar rock with spoken word poetry.

What They Might Be Giants Sounded Like at the Time: A nerd band for kids who like keyboards.

What Tony Says: “Yeah, they reminded me of They Might Be Giants, with that talk-singing. Plus, they’re all a bunch of old guys.

How Insane Is This? 7 out of 10.

2) Fucked Up sounds like Slipknot

When he said this: Winter, 2012

What he was Listening To: David Comes to Life, a Christmas gift from his son, me.

Possible Explanation: When he first said this, is blew my mind all the way to the back of the auditorium. Fucked Up’s album was all layer-y guitars, punk music and rock opera. Slipknot is a nu-metal band known more for their sheer numbers than their skills. However, the more I think about it, the more I can see his point: both singers do have a guttural, impenetrable delivery.

How Insane Is This? 8 out of 10 on initially hearing it, 5 out of 10 upon review.

3) Band of Horses sounds like Supertramp

When he said this: Spring, 2008

Why he said this: Because he is insane / an asshole

What Tony Says: “Oh, what’s this? That Supertramp cover band? They sound like Supertramp.”

Further Review: Here is Band of Horses most successful song:

Here is Supertramp’s most successful song:

These songs do not sound the same. I can’t meet him on this one.

How Insane is This? 12 out of 10.