Coors Light, you done fucked up now.

Let’s forget for a minute that the overarching equation behind this commercial is Ice Cube + mean-mugging a beer = profits, because clearly that math doesn’t add up. If that was all this is, I wouldn’t even bother writing about it. It would just be another patch of white noise between me and reruns of Burn Notice.

No, the real issue with this commercial is that it exists in some kind of alternate Earth where the movie Friday doesn’t exist.

Probably not the worst of all possible worlds, but definitely not as good as this one.

If you haven’t seen Friday, get your head right and try to keep up with the rest of us. Basically, Ice Cube plays a slightly softer version of Ice Cube who ends up knocking out the neighborhood bully with a brick, putting the capper on a coming-of-age story that includes breaking and entering, smoking weed and Bernie Mac (RIP).

None of this really matters except that Debo the Bully is also Ice Cube’s ridiculous beer bodyguard, Tiny.

I’m calling bullshit, Coors Light. There are only three ways this could work and I don’t buy any of them:

  1. Like I said before, this commercial takes place on some alternate Earth where Friday was never made. I’m not going to even live on that planet, let alone think about buying beer from that planet.
  2. Someone, at some point, saw this script, saw that Ice Cube was involved, saw that Debo was involved and suggested to the higher-ups that they make a Debo reference. Someone else heard this suggestion, said “Nah, that’s a stupid idea. No one is going to notice or care,” and that first guy quit to become a member of A$AP Rocky’s crew.
    I noticed.
    I care. 
  3. The Coors people are not aware of Friday, and that sucks.

This commercial is easy to fix. Just have Ice Cube say “Oh yeah, can of beer? Check out my friend, Debo.” Then we, the informed viewers, can make the logical jump that Ice Cube is either playing a grown-up version of Craig who is now friends with Debo, or that the people in charge of this commercials are human beings and not lifeless husks of flesh and beer-selling ambition.

This is a bridge too far, Coors Light. You always tasted like bananas to me anyway. We’re through. Miller Lite, you’re in.