I am going to drink So. Many. Bud. Light. Limes.

This weekend marks Philadelphia’s most recent attempt to host a successful major music festival after last year’s unfortunately moved-indoors-because-of-flooding Popped festival fizzled out.

Made in America has gotten its share of excitement and ire in the last few weeks but the fact remains that this a chance for Philadelphia to rise to the occasion and put itself on the map as a music town in the new century.

With that in mind, here are 10 bold predictions about Made in America:

1) Gary Clark Jr. will not play both of his sets alone

GCJ is a fine blues guitarists, but he’s not exactly a well-known name. Look for someone big to sneak in during one of his two sets (Saturday afternoon and Sunday evening).

2) People are going to lose their minds when D’Angelo plays “Untitled”

Natch.

3) The DJ tent is going to be where the party is

Listen, I’m as old as dirt at this point. I don’t give a good goddamn about Calvin Harris. I don’t know what Funkagenda is (although, props for that name). I think Betatraxx sounds like a robot porno from the late 70s. I’m not going to step a single foot in that DJ tent outside of DJ Shadow’s performance. That being said, The lineup looks good and offers no real breaks in the action. I’m all for this DJ tent if it keeps the teens are far from me as possible. In summation: if you’re looking to rub-up on some sweet, sweet teens, stay in the DJ tent and out of my face.

4) Bruce Springsteen is going to show up at some point

It is impossible that he doesn’t. He’s clearly Illuminati.

5) Janelle Monae is going to tear the roof off

I could not be more excited to see Monae. I’m not sure how many people of my age and gender-set are aware of her beyond a couple of nothing lines in that one fun. song, but her upbeat R&B is just what the doctor ordered.

6) Freeway is not going to show up at Made in America

At least, not as a performer. The continued disrespect for the man who only freestyles one way will continue this weekend. Still, I’d be dope if Jay let him hop on stage for an impromptu version of “What we Do.”

7) Rick Ross will not be on time for his 3:30 start time Saturday

I love everything about this. Meek Mill will be 20 minutes late because he’s putting on for his city. Wale will be right on time because he is Wale. Also, if you ever wanted to know where Rick Ross’s place is in the rap royalty world, just know that Jay made him the third act of the day on the first day of the festival.

8) Pearl Jam is going to burn the city to ground / play “Leash”

Come on, you fuckers. Do this for me.

9) Drake is going to be an absolute nightmare, teens-wise:

I saw Frank Ocean a few weeks back and, man, I have never felt fatter, older, balder and more 26 than I did watching Ocean with an army of teen girls who were so young they didn’t even want to fuck him because they didn’t know what sex is. This Drake performance is going to be like x1,000.

My whole move at this festival is to a) enjoy myself b) watch teens interact with other teens c) keep said teens as far away from me as possible. This set is going to be a one-out-of-three situation.

10) There will be no deaths or extreme violence as a result of this show

A few weeks back at a city-sponsored Fourth of July concert, shots ended up breaking out at the concert, bringing in a massive amount of police and newsroom reaction’s to the city’s violence. I know this is a city with a very real violence and gun control problem, but we’re going to curb it for this weekend and prove to ourselves that we can be a civilization for two days.

I know we can do this. We’re going to do this.

Come on, Philly. Don’t break my heart.

See you there. Look for the big tubby dude shouting at Drake. That’ll be me.

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