You don’t know a goddamn thing about culture. If you did, you wouldn’t be farting around this stupid blog.

So let me help you out. Here are four things to check out this week that will undeniably make your life better, as well as one thing you must never, never do under any circumstances.

Listen: New York Renaissance

As a New Yorker, I understand why people hate New York (yes, I am from Upstate New York, but that only means I get to share in the general public’s distaste), but the New York Renaissance mix tape released in early April is devoid of almost all of the usual chest-puffing arrogance that comes with being from a very big city.

What is presented instead is a work of laid-back confidence from a new generation of post-gangster rappers from the five boroughs. New York hasn’t sounded this secure or chilled-out since ever. Come for early highlights by up-and-coming luminaries Action Bronson and Joey Bada$$, stay for the effortless cool of tracks like “Rude Boy Jamaican” and “New Brooklyn Remix.”

Get the tape for free from Dat Piff here.

Watch: Safety Not Guaranteed

A movie that is more-or-less based on an Internet meme has no right to be emotionally resonant and affecting, but that is exactly what Safety Not Guaranteed pulls off. The story involves a small host of journalists (including that girl from Parks and Recreation that you have a crush on and that dude from The New Girl) traveling to a vacation town to write a story about a dude who puts a bizarre ad out for a time-travel partner in a local paper. The story is sort of slight, but the chemistry between Aubry Plaza and Mark Duplass and subtitle themes about trying to go back in time make this small move worth a Netflix queue spot.

Read: Tasteful Nudes by Dave Hill

Dave Hill’s book of essays covers the following topics: working as a pedicab driver, being the most responsible person at an old folks home, pretending to be a cop in Cleveland, being in a fifth-tier rock band and how to deal with a parent dying. The dude has had an interesting life, but more fascinating than the stories are the unpretentious, simple lessons he learns from his experiences. That, and the dude has an off-kilter sense of humor that makes the read all the more winning.

Eat: Arnold Palmer

It’s going to be in the 70s in Philadelphia this week, so it’s time for spring drinks; and in the land of Spring drinks, the Arnold Palmer is king. The iced tea / lemonade drink tastes fine on its own, but throw a few healthy splashes of gin in there if you are one of those people who like to get drunk outside in the sun  (everyone). I like mine with a 75-25 ratio of iced tea to lemonade, but feel free to do you.

Don’t, Under Any Circumstances: Scary Movie 5

Charlie Sheen! Lindsay Lohan! “Winning!” Desperation! Do better, everyone.