Technological advances, both theoretical and active, that I hope to never engage with, ranked from “least offensive” to “move offensive.”

Keyless Cars – Here is the only inconvenience of the push-to-start model of car, which I have been brainwashed by rap music to find luxurious: It increases the odds of me leaving the house, trying to start the engine, nothing happening, me thinking my fancy car is broken for five seconds before I remember that I left my keys on the counter and grumbling all the way back to the house, a little more behind schedule and in a little worse a mood. It’s already a minor miracle if I leave the house with all the things I need in one try. I don’t need an excuse to be less mindful.

Ship-to-Home Dinner Programs – Buying groceries is not hard and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. Did you know recipes are on the internet now? Did you know there is a website that will tell you what to make based on what’s in your home? Did you know that there are probably 10,000 of such websites? Go to the grocery store. Smell the fruit. Squeeze the melons. Listen to a podcast. Smile at the sullen teen who checks you out. These things are good for the soul.

Entirely Cash-Free Living – If you want to rob me, you should have to do it face-to-face, the way God intended. That’s a more tolerable crime than making some fraudulent-ass purchases and sending me down a six-week credit card dispute hole (unless the goal is to be an inconvenient dick, which is all the more reason for me to continue paying cash for everything like I’m the Unibomber).

De-Cluttering – I understand the thought behind this “throw out all your shit” movement, but I reject it on the premise that it is an extension of a philosophy that continues to devalue ownership and promote system of “loans” and “subscriptions.” You don’t own something unless you can hold it in your hands, and telling people to own less stuff is a few steps away from telling them to subscribe to what they need. Go buy some shit at the mall.

Self-Driving Cars – Potential good: less accidents. Potential bad: Eliminates the public transportation industry, leaving hundreds of thousands unemployed. Potential very bad: This Silicon Valley joke / a key action sequence in the (slightly underrated) I, Robot.

Smart Home Technology – I swear, some of this shit feels like it comes from people who watched a thousand sci-fi movies and decided to create all of the bad stuff in real life. Y’all ever read this article? Go ahead and get yourself a wireless home protected by the suitcase combination from Space Balls, I’ll be fine turning on my window unit A/C when I get home / not getting locked inside a techno-hell house prison.

Echo / Alexa or Other Commerce-Based Personal Computer that Listens to Everything I Say – As if I need any help spending money on eCommerce. This is the height of self-snitching. What would my life become if I was suddenly too busy to type in “amazon.com” and buy some shit? That very thin line is all that prevents me from impulse buying anything my little pea brain thinks of, like an unsupervised toddler grabbing chocolate from the grocery store takeout line. Also, there’s that whole “always listening” thing, which seems like a comically bad idea.

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