An Incomplete, Unordered List of Shit I Cannot Seem to Buy Correctly

It isn’t so much that I can’t “buy these things correctly,” per say – the exchange of money for goods and services takes place, so the actual procurement aspect goes off without a hitch – it’s more that buying these items under the specific conditions outlined means accepting a remarkably high risk of the item being bad or ill fit for the go-go lifestyle that I live every day. Here is what I mean:

Pants (online): There are too many cuts of pants, is the thing, and there is no way to know which cut is going to result in me looking like an ICP fan waiting for the bus or, heaven forbid, this stock photo.

Shirts (online): We’re talking dress shirts, shirts with buttons, things like that (I can buy a t-shirt, despite what your eyes might say next time we see each other). I now, after 35 years on earth, am confident that I know my collar and sleeve sizes, but it took a very long time and a lot of ill-fitting shirts to come to that information. Plus, as the owner of a huge gut, it can be difficult to find a shirt with enough drapage to cover my whole situation without looking like a an old-timey couch.

Pillows: I bought an absolutely delightful $160 pillow back when I was on unemployment (just as the founders intended!), but it is the first pillow I have ever purchased that didn’t make my neck feel like it was stuffed with nickles.

Couches: Bought a couch online maybe two years ago and it already broke. Which is a blessing because it was the least comfortable couch I’ve owned by a country mile. I want to watch this thing get crushed in the back of a trash truck while I drink a bloody mary.

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